Investigators Wonder Whatever Happened to Pilgrim

TORONTO, CA- Police are investigating the disappearance of a young man. Earlier this week Stacy Pilgrim came to the police saying that she hadn't heard from her brother Scott in several weeks. "At first," she said, "I just thought he had forgotten about his sister. He ran off with Romana Flowers, I had told him not to talk to her." Tuesday, United States officials report finding his body in a small town in New Hampshire. His girlfriend Flowers is the main suspect.

His ex-girlfriend Knives Chau saw them run away together. "Romona opened up a video game like doorway and they walked through. I was really upset like I really loved the guy, I mean I realize he was a jerk now." She went on explaining how he'd go on about lesbians and looking at other girls. "But I wouldn't like want anything bad to happen to him, he'd listen to may stories and like stuff. He helped me realize I'm cool and deserve someone like sweet and stuff." Chau was uncertain as to what Flowers saw in him, she said that she's grown a lot since she met Pilgrim and that Flowers was by far more mature then her.

One of Pilgrim's only true friends Wallace Wells. We talked to him about Pilgrim's disappearance. Wells mentioned how Pilgrim had really liked Flowers. He didn't think that Pilgrim was in love, because he seemed to think that word he felt for Flowers was called "lesbians." When asked why he didn't say anything to anyone else about it he shrugged. "I'm gay, I have five boyfriends at the moment."

Wells explained that Flowers had seven "evil" ex's. He described them to us. They were all stereotypes. There was an Indian man with belly dancers and could summon fire. A pompous skateboarder who can be gloated to doing anything if he's called unmanly. A super-saian, lying, womanizer. A super sexualized, however small breasted, lesbian (defeated by having an orgasm.) Japanese twins who can summon twin dragons, of course and the last is a not so passive aggressive passive aggressor. Wells explains that Pilgrim defeats all of these, in a pathetic video game like manner in order to date Flowers, "the girl of his dreams." (She had reportedly used his skull to travel faster.)

It is speculated that Flowers just wanted to be rid of her ex's and couldn't do it on her own. She was unreachable for comment, but has been seen passing through idiots' empty brains. The idiots were dumb founded and had "raging lesbians" toward the girl. (A Raging lesbian is a boner dressed as a slutty female and pukes all the time, because she thinks she's too fat.)

Editor's note: The studio ninja left a not to the pirate explaining that these characters give bad rep toward ninjas, he or she was not impressed.